Hainan, baby!

Thailand 2.5  years ago.

When you’re reading this post I am hopefully peacefully settled at a beach in Hainan. Yep. Left Suzhou last night, jumped on a plane and ended up in Sanya. Me and my friend Willing are spending 4 days here: swimming, tanning, eating ice-cream and reading books. Unless Willing violently forces me, or desperately begs me, I won’t do any kind of sightseeing. I don’t want to. I just want to lay here, feel the sea breeze, go for a swim, sip on a mocktail (that throughout the day most likely will be replaced by a cocktail), go for a beach walk and relax. No Chinese characters. No crazy bosses. No pressure. No computer. No flu (or OK, I still have a flu but I’ll pretend as if I don’t have one). No thoughts about the future. No talk about the future.

Might sound boring to some but after a rather full-on semester, this is just what I need.

Some pre-written posts will appear on the blog while I am gone, so please, do check in. And, if I get a complete blogging-abstinence I’ll check into the nearest Internet cafe (very likely to happen. I have a quite well-known blogging/email-addiction).

The honest meat market

When looking for a partner, put all your demands on the table from day one in order to find out what your significant other is willing to do for you... and what's not OK.

Last night I took a cab home. I could see the taxi driver watching me through the rear-view mirror, making me wonder what was up (was it just the usual, curious, ’laowai’-stare, or was there actually snot coming out from my nose?!). It turned out it was either.

-You can speak Chinese? It suddenly came from the front.

-Sure.

-Where are you from? Germany? England?

-No, Sweden.

-Oh… That’s also in Europe, right?

-It sure it, in Northern Europe.

-OK. I think all beautiful women are from Europe.

-Oh really?

-Yeah, especially the ones from Germany and England.

-Okay.


Silence. Then:

-So… do you have a boyfriend?

-Yes.

-Where is he from? China?!

-No, Finland.

-Oh…. Married?

-No.

-Planning to?

-Not in the near future.

(Big smile flashed to the mirror)

-So if you didn’t have a boyfriend… or let’s say if you broke up with him. Would you be willing to date a Chinese man?

-I don’t know. It depends what kind of man!

-Well, let’s say… me?!

-I don’t even know you. How could I tell?

-Well… I don’t think it’s that hard. I am a good man. I work hard. I have a house and a car. I will take care of my wife. And she will take care of my house!

-You’re saying that the girl you date has to do all the housework?

-Yeah, of course. I don’t know how to do house chores.

-I’m sure you can learn.

-No. I will work. She will cook. And clean.

-Well then I definitely wouldn’t be willing to date you.

-Why not?! I will work!

-Well I want to work too. And I hate housework.

-Oh… OK then.

Short silence, then:

-Do you have a lot of foreign female friends here?

-A few.

-Any German or English ones?

-No, sorry.

-Ahhhh… OK. Well could you introduce me to some? Some single ones? Some pretty ones?

-I’m sorry but I don’t think any of them are willing to do all the housework either! You know, in most families in Europe the woman and the man both work and therefore the also split the house chores.

I could tell this frustrated my dear taxi driver. In his world, it was obvious that the wife would take care of the housework while the man would bring home the money.

-By the way, I said. Why do you want to have a foreign girlfriend?

-I want someone who is tall and pretty! And foreign girls are (hooorray!). But no American girl. I once met an American girl and she wasn’t nice. So I don’t want anyone from America.

-You don’t want a girl from America because you met ONE American girl that wasn’t nice?!

-Eh… well… yeah.

-So if you meet one girl from Germany that isn’t nice then you don’t want any German girl either?

-No no. Last week a colleague introduced me to a German girl. She was pretty but her personality wasn’t nice. I still want to meet a German girl. I just don’t want any American girl.

-Why not?

-I just don’t want one.

-OK then. Well can you speak any English?

-No.. but that’s just a small problem. I will learn that from my wife since we will be doing everything together… you know, eating dinner, watching TV, hanging out. She will teach me English.

-OK then… I see you have everything planned out for you. Good luck finding a foreign girlfriend (and really, dude: GOOD LUCK!)!

When it was time for me to get out of the cab the driver turned around.

-So, if you break up with your boyfriend will you call me?

-No… remember. The housework things. I don’t want to do it all.

-Ah yeah. I remember. OK. Well nice talking to you then. Bye!

Wow. In the Chinese meat market you lay all your cards and demands on the table from day one. Although I kind of like it. Leaves little room for disappointment and argument later.

Also. Not to be forgotten. A Chinese man just hit on me (I guess you could put it that way?). That means that yesterday goes into history as the day when a man in China came on to me. He’s the third one in three years (another taxi driver and little muscle guy are his front runners. Oh, then there are 2 Taiwanese men wanting me to become their mistress too, but those doesn't count. I mean, mistress? Come on. I only count the serious ones...). Geez, I am becoming real popular.

"Anniversary"

A few bloggers have commented on today’s little ‘anniversary.’ It’s actually hard not to. As a result of what day today is, numerous sites have been blocked in China. I don’t understand the strategy for this as it simply upsets a lot of people, and lead to irritation and frustration, but never question the Great Firewall of China. Or, in all means, question it, but don’t try to understand it because it simply doesn’t make sense. Twitter, Youtube, blogger, hotmail… well, numerous sites are blocked. Let’s hope things go back to normal soon. My blog missed all its Chinese readers.

Toilet dramas

When I was 19 I moved to Australia to do my university degree. I thought it was a huge thing, and in a way it was. 19 years old. Alone in a new country. As far away from home as one can get.

However, I used my best social skills and quickly made friends. It didn’t take long before I got invited to some really ‘cool’ (I was 19, OK?!) parties, where all the hip Aussie kids were hanging out: surfers, Australian football players, meaty rugby guys and you name it. At one of those parties (a huge house party) I managed the unforgivable. I looked myself inside the bathroom. And in my clear state of panic, I didn’t want to cause a scene, or, become the ‘toilet girl’ so I sent a desperate, but discreet sms to my American girlfriend:

“Help! I am stuck in the toilet!”

(This was after only 2 months in Aussie land. My English still had a lot of improvement to go through).

After about 3 minutes the whole party was standing outside the toilet door, giggling, asking me if how I was getting on, if I was really IN the toilet and if I could swim?!

Yeah, that wasn’t the coolest moment of my life.

One week ago at Suzhou’s train station, the story (almost) repeated itself.

The public toilets at train stations in China are quite… awful, due to one reason: no lock on the door. So while you’re squatting to pee, anyone can open the door: A nightmare for an already nervous pee-er. (I still don’t understand how guys can mange those rows of urinals?)

Since I’ve been ‘caught’ of guard (and almost fallen into the hole as a result. Even though I know it is coming I still get as scared every time) numerous times, I always try to hold the door, or, somehow prevent others from opening it. When I went to the bathroom last week, I realized that the toilet door to my booth had a lose metal spline, which I could use to my advantage. With some power I slammed the door so that the spline stopped outsiders from opening it. Ahhhh… relief. I could pee in peace.

Although… when I tried to get out of the toilet booth I bumped into some problems. The spline was lose, but just a little bit. No matter how I tried, I couldn’t push it back to where it should be and open the door. It simply didn’t work. And as a result, I once again found myself locked inside a (this time quite smelly) bathroom.

Seeing that I am way too tall for those booths anyways, my head was sticking up over the door and I quickly caught fellow toilet visitors’ attention.

-Ehh hello everyone! I am stuck in here. Can you guys help me open the door?

I was expecting giggles, condescending looks, or well, at least something. So imagine my surprise when three middle-aged women just started pulling the door without even pulling a face! In fact, every single woman who came into the toilet engaged in the door pulling game. I was pushing from inside while they were pulling from the outside. Still, we couldn’t get the door to open. Two women went to call for help (humiliating, oh, no just a little bit) while three others continued to push, pull and slam the door. Suddenly one got an idea and started lifting the door… after a collective effort we managed to lift and ‘bend’ the door enough for me to be able to climb out. A helpful woman caught me when I landed, and then everybody let go of the door.

-Thank you so much!!! I gushed. I had imagined myself not only missing my train but also spending some hours inside a smelly toilet booth at the train station while some giggling Chinese people tried to remove the door from the outside.

-Oh that’s nothing to thank for! Said one woman and went to wash her hands. And that was it.

I am so impressed by their helpfulness, not to mention the immaculate teamwork! No one cared that they were touching some smelly (and probably not the most hygienic) door, or that it was a large laowai who’d managed to put herself in this (I would guess quite rare) sticky situation. In fact, no one even took a minute to think about it. As soon as I said the word ‘help’ they were all doing their outmost to remove the door!

I somehow have a problem seeing the same team of helpers gathering to help a woman who’s locked herself inside the bathroom back in Sweden.

Learning 'Suzhou-hua' on a local TV show

OK, so finally I’ve managed to upload some videos to my computer… that only took… one day?! Oh well, let’s blame it on the flu.

The TV show shooting went OK. Unfortunately I didn’t get to speak as much as I had expected though, and I don’t think that did me any favors. Rather, I believe I look a bit like a dumb, blonde just sitting there, wide-eyed, not understanding so much… Aooch, not an impression I love to make, but I’ll tell you why it went like that.

The show was about teaching foreigners some Suzhou-hua to emphasize the difference between this local dialect and standard, Mandarin (putonghua). The foreigners that had picked were me and a 5-year old girl who had a Danish dad and a local, Suzhou mom. I was happy when I heard about the half-Danish girl, and tried to speak to her (seeing that Danes and Swedes normally have no problems understanding each other. Besides, I am from the ‘Danish’ part of Sweden –the very south!), but to my surprise she didn’t understand anything.

-Oh she doesn’t speak Danish?
-No… just some words. She speaks Chinese.
-Hm… OK….

So… basically. The 5-year old girl knew quite a bit of Suzhou-hua (her mommy had done a good job teaching her some), meanwhile I knew nothing. Result: the little kid looked like a whiz kid and the grown up blonde looked like an airhead. Oh well.

Still, before the show I was quite hopeful. I spoke to everyone involved in the shooting and received praises and compliments for my Chinese. Then the 2 hosts arrived: two middle-aged, heavily made-up Chinese men that, when I looked at them up close, reminded me of 2 scary kind of white faced clown. They weren’t very friendly, and it was kind of obvious that they regarded themselves as big TV-stars, and us as…. Extras.

They show consisted of two short interviews, one with the cute little half-Danish girl and one with me. First up was the little girl. She’d already won the heart of everyone simply by being adorable, and as a result, everyone ‘ooohhhed’ and ‘aaaahed’ to every little movement she made. When the dropped one of her flip-flops halfway through the interview, she almost received a standing ovation.

However, it took a while to shoot her interview. While she rocked the ‘Suzhou-hua’ part, the hosts also wanted her to speak some Danish. She practiced saying: “Hej mit navn er Catherine!” (Meaning: "Hi, my name is Catherine!”) with her mom 5 times, but once the camera was rolling she got all nervous and didn’t get any further than to ‘hej!’. For being 5-years-old, however, I still think she was a star!

The hosts then taught her some phrases that I have no idea what they meant, seeing that they didn’t translate them to mandarin.

Once they were done it was my turn. I had by then swallowed so many painkillers, throat relief pills and hot water that I felt a bit… out there. But up on the stage I went and was blinded by the strong lights. I was seated in the middle of the two clown-looking-hosts and then we were rolling.

Funny, because they knew I didn’t know any Suzhou-hua, still, as soon as we started shooting they said:

-Oh so this young girl is from Sweden, let’s hear her speak Suzhou-hua!

-ehhhh… ehhh… Ne he?! I tried (Ni hao = hello, in Suzhou-hua).

Roar of laughter.

-Please introduce yourself in Swedish!!! They urged.

-Hejsan allihopa! Jag heter Jonna och kommer från Sverige!! (Mening: Hi everyone, I’m Jonna and I’m from Sweden) I said, flashing the camera my biggest grin.

-HEJSAN ALLIHOPA!! Said the clowns. (their pronunciation wasn’t bad!) What does that mean?!

I translated.

Big smiles from all three of us.

-OK, let’s teach you some Suzhou-hua, shall we?!

-Sure!

-OK! So, do you know what this means: 4872jsfkpgdsfiu9bf 89f724rbipnduv7vp92v7?! (yeah, seriously, that’s what it sounded like. A long line of words I had nooooo idea of.)

-Eh, no, sorry?!

-Well, guess!

-ehhhh, can you say it once more?

The completely new line of words was said and the clowns looked at me expectedly.

-I’m sorry, I have no idea!!!

Roar of laughter.

-Well it means “where do you live here in Suzhou!” Now repeat after me!

I then had to repeat this totally new line of words and I could tell just from listening to myself that I didn’t do a good job. The clowns, however, loved it.

We went on like that for 3 more phrases, and in between they engaged in heated discussions in Suzhou-hua, leaving me sitting in the middle, looking like a lost misfit.

Still, I was waiting for them to turn to me and ask me what I thought of Suzhou-hua, how it compared to Mandarin, or at least give me a chance to say something more.

But then, suddenly, we were done!

-Thank you so much! You did great! They clowns said.

-ehh, that’s it?!

-Yeah!

Oh dear.

The show will air in 1 or 2 weeks (yet to be decided apparently). The producer was happy with my effort, despite me not saying that much, and asked if I would be available for future shows.

-Sure, but only if they are in Mandarin, I replied. The whole airhead look just isn’t for me.

I asked if they would put the show online but the answer is no… so I don’t know how I could record it? (seeing that VCRs are not ‘in’ anymore). I don’t even know how much of the footage of me they will use, seeing that I wasn’t that good.

Anyways, I recorded some short, 20-second footage with my mobile phone (not of myself though) that you guys can enjoy. I pointed the camera towards myself once just to get some evidence of my actual presence!

All in all, it was a fun experience but I wish I could have gotten a chance to say some more things. Oh well, maybe next time!

Sneak peak...

I look a bit drugged... but man, those lights on set are quite blinding. And unlike the hosts, I wasn't given any TV make up. Doooh!

I'm back! And I (just about) survived the shoot... My goal was to NOT sneeze on the host, and I managed! I really have to go and prepare for an exam now, so I'll leave you with this for now. A better update will come later! 

TV time (with a flu...)

The day could have started better.

Today’s the day of my big TV performance.

And I have caught the flu. Resulting in me looking everything but TV-ready: Red, puffy eyes. Deep, blue circles under my eyes. A cough. And a not-so-cute, fluish, Donald-Duck-voice. Splendid. Just great.

The sore throat/runny nose started on Saturday morning, and instead of getting better it has gone worse and worse, and today I believe I have reached the flu-peak. Excellent. Just what I wanted. And needed. Not.

As a result of feeling like s*** I slept badly last night. Woke up 5 times.

Once because I needed to pee.
Then again because I couldn’t breathe (clogged nose).
Then again because I was feeling hot.
Again because I was feeling cold.
And again because of an itching mosquito bite.

Also, since I spent yesterday curled up in front of the TV, stuffing myself with all kind of comfort food (read: cookies), my stomach has today taken the shape of a swollen, bloated, balloon. My own fault. I’m not that great at handling large amounts of wheat. So I knew this one was coming. But it wasn’t enough to stop me still.

A high waist skirt will have to solve that one.

As for the flu…. I have already stuffed myself with flu remedies, but the runny nose?! Not quite sure how I am supposed to work out that one. Is it considered rude to blow your nose on a TV set? I desperately hope that we are not shooting this live!

A loooooot of make up (and I hate make up! Oh well…) will have to erase those tired eyes. Gosh, I better get started actually. I’m supposed to get into a taxi in less than an hour and I haven’t even showered yet. I thought I’d leave it until the last minute seeing that I am just sitting here in front of the computer, and still produce large amounts of sweat. Ahhhh, isn’t that fresh!?

Although I initially had ambitious plans for today (after the TV show I was gonna go and pick up my dresses from the wedding street, meet a friend for lunch etc, and then finish the day with a run at the gym) I have now scraped all of those and will head straight home after my Donald Duck moment. I just hope that my brain will be a little bit more alert in one hour compared to what it is now.

To be continued…