Learning 'Suzhou-hua' on a local TV show

OK, so finally I’ve managed to upload some videos to my computer… that only took… one day?! Oh well, let’s blame it on the flu.

The TV show shooting went OK. Unfortunately I didn’t get to speak as much as I had expected though, and I don’t think that did me any favors. Rather, I believe I look a bit like a dumb, blonde just sitting there, wide-eyed, not understanding so much… Aooch, not an impression I love to make, but I’ll tell you why it went like that.

The show was about teaching foreigners some Suzhou-hua to emphasize the difference between this local dialect and standard, Mandarin (putonghua). The foreigners that had picked were me and a 5-year old girl who had a Danish dad and a local, Suzhou mom. I was happy when I heard about the half-Danish girl, and tried to speak to her (seeing that Danes and Swedes normally have no problems understanding each other. Besides, I am from the ‘Danish’ part of Sweden –the very south!), but to my surprise she didn’t understand anything.

-Oh she doesn’t speak Danish?
-No… just some words. She speaks Chinese.
-Hm… OK….

So… basically. The 5-year old girl knew quite a bit of Suzhou-hua (her mommy had done a good job teaching her some), meanwhile I knew nothing. Result: the little kid looked like a whiz kid and the grown up blonde looked like an airhead. Oh well.

Still, before the show I was quite hopeful. I spoke to everyone involved in the shooting and received praises and compliments for my Chinese. Then the 2 hosts arrived: two middle-aged, heavily made-up Chinese men that, when I looked at them up close, reminded me of 2 scary kind of white faced clown. They weren’t very friendly, and it was kind of obvious that they regarded themselves as big TV-stars, and us as…. Extras.

They show consisted of two short interviews, one with the cute little half-Danish girl and one with me. First up was the little girl. She’d already won the heart of everyone simply by being adorable, and as a result, everyone ‘ooohhhed’ and ‘aaaahed’ to every little movement she made. When the dropped one of her flip-flops halfway through the interview, she almost received a standing ovation.

However, it took a while to shoot her interview. While she rocked the ‘Suzhou-hua’ part, the hosts also wanted her to speak some Danish. She practiced saying: “Hej mit navn er Catherine!” (Meaning: "Hi, my name is Catherine!”) with her mom 5 times, but once the camera was rolling she got all nervous and didn’t get any further than to ‘hej!’. For being 5-years-old, however, I still think she was a star!

The hosts then taught her some phrases that I have no idea what they meant, seeing that they didn’t translate them to mandarin.

Once they were done it was my turn. I had by then swallowed so many painkillers, throat relief pills and hot water that I felt a bit… out there. But up on the stage I went and was blinded by the strong lights. I was seated in the middle of the two clown-looking-hosts and then we were rolling.

Funny, because they knew I didn’t know any Suzhou-hua, still, as soon as we started shooting they said:

-Oh so this young girl is from Sweden, let’s hear her speak Suzhou-hua!

-ehhhh… ehhh… Ne he?! I tried (Ni hao = hello, in Suzhou-hua).

Roar of laughter.

-Please introduce yourself in Swedish!!! They urged.

-Hejsan allihopa! Jag heter Jonna och kommer från Sverige!! (Mening: Hi everyone, I’m Jonna and I’m from Sweden) I said, flashing the camera my biggest grin.

-HEJSAN ALLIHOPA!! Said the clowns. (their pronunciation wasn’t bad!) What does that mean?!

I translated.

Big smiles from all three of us.

-OK, let’s teach you some Suzhou-hua, shall we?!

-Sure!

-OK! So, do you know what this means: 4872jsfkpgdsfiu9bf 89f724rbipnduv7vp92v7?! (yeah, seriously, that’s what it sounded like. A long line of words I had nooooo idea of.)

-Eh, no, sorry?!

-Well, guess!

-ehhhh, can you say it once more?

The completely new line of words was said and the clowns looked at me expectedly.

-I’m sorry, I have no idea!!!

Roar of laughter.

-Well it means “where do you live here in Suzhou!” Now repeat after me!

I then had to repeat this totally new line of words and I could tell just from listening to myself that I didn’t do a good job. The clowns, however, loved it.

We went on like that for 3 more phrases, and in between they engaged in heated discussions in Suzhou-hua, leaving me sitting in the middle, looking like a lost misfit.

Still, I was waiting for them to turn to me and ask me what I thought of Suzhou-hua, how it compared to Mandarin, or at least give me a chance to say something more.

But then, suddenly, we were done!

-Thank you so much! You did great! They clowns said.

-ehh, that’s it?!

-Yeah!

Oh dear.

The show will air in 1 or 2 weeks (yet to be decided apparently). The producer was happy with my effort, despite me not saying that much, and asked if I would be available for future shows.

-Sure, but only if they are in Mandarin, I replied. The whole airhead look just isn’t for me.

I asked if they would put the show online but the answer is no… so I don’t know how I could record it? (seeing that VCRs are not ‘in’ anymore). I don’t even know how much of the footage of me they will use, seeing that I wasn’t that good.

Anyways, I recorded some short, 20-second footage with my mobile phone (not of myself though) that you guys can enjoy. I pointed the camera towards myself once just to get some evidence of my actual presence!

All in all, it was a fun experience but I wish I could have gotten a chance to say some more things. Oh well, maybe next time!