SOS -get me outta here!

Last night out at SOS Nightclub in Suzhou was like a scene taken from a bad wild-wild west movie. The only thing that made sense throughout the night was the name of the club… My ears and eyes certainly needed some aid after two hours of loud techno music and smoke machines. Oh, and not to be forgotten: around midnight the bartenders brought out the sparklers… I haven’t held a sparkler since I was 10, so this was kind of exciting.

Sadly tacky were the six strippers/exotic dancers/angry looking girls taking turns at dancing on podiums around the bar. Apparently some managers was trying to fit everyone’s wishes as three of them were pencil skinny, and the other three were voluptuous with belly and thighs. All of them were wearing… hm… well, imagine the kind of underwear that they sell in REALLY tacky porn shops? Like, really tacky?! Yeah, stuff like that! I am talking g-strigs out of this world, latex and fishnets…

Around the same time as everyone lit their sparklers they also put a guy at the podium, and we almost got a bit excited until we noticed that he was 1.60 tall, and that he was wearing a white shirt that showed some of his white belly as he had tied it up in a classical 80-ies ‘show-your-stomach-knot (I am not sure if there is any other English term for this.. but u know what I mean right? Girls in Europe and America used to do this in the 80-ies. In China, some still do).

Yeah, so it was a kinda tacky scene and it did get better. Some guys ordered a bottle of scotch that the bartenders poured in a jug with ice. At one point, a guy asked for more ice and the bartender managed to crush the bottom of the jug (by filling it up with too much ice I assume. I have also managed to do this in my early days of bartending) While the expensive scotch quickly vanished from the bottom the bartenders got angry at… the guy drinking scotch. He said it was a stupid idea of him to ask for more ice. Ahh…. Classic.

The night didn’t go as wild as I predicted it to, I suppose I lost my mood somewhere in between listening to people arguing about scotch and watching the strippers, sorry, the dancers. But well, at least I’m not hangover today! That mean I might get a chance to go to the gym and have a chat with my new friend from Hunan who I find very interesting to talk to. Apparently he got to Suzhou by sitting on a train for 50 hours... Now that is a story I'd like to hear!

And as for bad nightclubs: I’ll be spending most of the next three weeks in Shanghai, working on a project and oh my, I cannot wait to visit all those pretentious bars at the Bund.

Hello, Bar Rouge (sure, putting the bar on fire is tacky too, but well.. at least there are no strippers!)

In Hunan, my name is "You La"

This probably doesn’t interest many of you, but I find it quite interesting. Yesterday I talked to a boy from the Hunan province. He couldn’t pronounce the letter ‘N’ very well. Instead he said ‘L’. The funny thins was that he didn’t realise it, or hear the difference? He thought that when I said ‘niu nai’ (=milk -牛奶) and he said ‘liu lai’ it sounded the same?!

The funniest bit was with my name. My Chinese name is ‘You Na’ （友娜）. When he said it, I became ‘You La’. And while I went on and said: ‘not La, NA… You Na Na Na….’ He repeated it: ‘You La La La!’

(Note: ‘la la’ = Chinese slang for lesbian. Anyone wanna know more go to the night club ‘La la land’ in Shanghai).

Except for this little thing I must say that this Hunan boy’s pronunciation was very easy to understand. Much easier than the ‘Suzhou hua’ (= the local dialect in Suzhou) that I am trying to get my head around (Suzhou locals don’t use the ‘sh’ sound but simply the ‘s’… So it’s very hard not to mix up ‘shi’ (ten -十) with ‘si’ (four -四) because when they say ten it sounds like ‘si’ (four) ). And the way he described Hunan to me it sounded so nice that it made me wanna pay a visit. Also, my favourite Chinese restaurant in Shanghai is a Hunan restaurant, so the food over there must be delish: spicy and hot!

Coming up: big nite out

To drain my gym sorrows (I know, I know.. ‘get over it!’ Don’t worry, I will!) I’m planning a big night out. The bf is having a company thing, so I’m free to go as wild as I want with the girls. And trust me, in Suzhou’s nightlife scene, it’s hard not to! Going out in Suzhou is like going out in Sweden in the 80ies (not that I ever did, I was a baby then, but this is how I imagine it being in the 80ies): neon lights, euro techno and people dancing some sort of hip hop (you know the violent kind when you lift your knees really high in the air?) on the dance floor. The average age in a typical Suzhou nightclub seems to be around 21 (which means it is probably more like… 27?) and the bar is a total ‘check out point’. Music is so loud it’s impossible to talk, and if you want to sit at a table you have to buy at least one bottle of vodka to show that you are a big spender. If you settle for buying drinks, be prepared: they are strong on the gin and weak on the tonic, which makes it more understandable why so many Chinese girls spend the night drinking orange juice or coconut milk. In terms of dressing style, it’s kind of mixed. While the guys don’t wear anything special (no, unfortunately no big, baggy jeans…) the women are a mix of those who wear something way too tight and too short, and those who make no effort at all and turn up in jeans and a long-sleeve jumper. Same goes for make up: there are both au-naturals and girls who might have gone a bit too heavy on the eye-liner…

Tonight, however, this sounds perfect to me. I just have to practice my hip hop moves in front of the mirror before I head out. I might be a little bit rusty.

Do’s and don’ts at the gym.

(Warning: people who already hate gyms, do not continue reading).

Rule number one: do not, ever, do a fat-scan test at the gym. Because if you are stupid enough (like me) and want to follow up your ‘improvements’ (yeah right) and do another test one month later, which shows that you have GAINED fat rather than lost it (How, how, how? This is another great mystery that I have to spend the wknd to solve…), despite eating normal and going to the gym 3-5 times/week, you'll be very depressed. (Another funny fact: before, I rarely went to the gym).

Rule number two: Keep a shallow relationship with the Chinese trainers at the gym. Once you get passed the ‘hey how’s it going’ phase they will start coming to talk to you a lot.. and then, without even knowing it, they will start monitoring you. Like the other day when I left the gym, and a trainer came up to me: “Leaving already? Only 1 hour work out today and no cardio? Not so good Jonna!" Aooooch?! Dude, you don’t need to tell me that!

Rule number three: Do not, in any way, let any of this get to you. Like I have done. I am still (more than 24 hours after the fat scan test) trying to figure out how it is possible for me to GAIN fat rather than lose it. (I had also gained 1 kg of muscles –how does that make sense? When you gain muscles, doesn’t that then mean that you lose fat?!)

Rule number four: Do not obsess about this to other people. They will definitely think you are annoying. My bf is a living proof.

What's up with the gasoline?

And that reminds me of why I prefer riding a bike to driving a car..

Anyone know what’s up with the gas in Suzhou? It’s apparently impossible for us normal, mortal people to buy gas and many gas stations have closed. (Every morning there is a smaller riot outside the shell gas station that I pass on my way to uni)

Rumours are suggesting three possible reasons (I find it hard to believe any of them):

* Torch relay. Since the Olympic torch came to Suzhou last Sunday the local Government was so scared of a terror attack that they dried up the gas stations.

* No gas is a result of the earth quake in Sichuan. They are now putting in restriction on gas, as well as some foods.

* The price of gas has gone up and the suppliers refuse to cooperate.

Well I have no idea, I don’t need gas for my bike anyways (because it doesn’t have a MOTOR!) but apparently it is causing some problems for some of my western friends as they cannot drive their cars on empty tanks. Chinese taxis and cars are still driving around though, so I am guessing there must be some sort of black market for it. Isn’t there always?

When smart people turn stupid

It’s now a proven fact. Living in China does indeed make some people a bit dim… Latest victim: my bf. Just look what he came home with the other day.

Yes, it is. And yes, feel free to ridicule it. It’s a bike with a motor. A BIKE with a MOTOR?! (And then he makes fun of people that drive mopeds?!) I was speechless when I saw it, and I still am. What comments can be made about a giant, black, ugly thing that is now occupying space on our balcony?!

To my bf’s defend: everyone from his company ended up buying one, so maybe he fell for the group pressure.
But still

Service

Many people complain about the service in China. I think that it can be both exceptional and terrible.

I always ride my bike to the gym and the bike parking lot is always a mess. Too many bikes at too little space. It’s close to impossible to squeeze in your bike, but I am a stubborn cookie and managed quite well until one day, when it was simply too crammed. Some people had even challenged the rules and parked their bikes OUTSIDE the assigned area (A big no-no in China) so I did the same thing.

After my work out I came down to find my bike… gone. Well at least gone from the forbidden area. I was looking at the ocean of bikes, trying to figure out if mine was in there, or, if it had been stolen, when a guard suddenly appeared.

-Bike? He said, in Chinese.
-Yes. I said. Where is it?
-I’ll get it for you.

And then he went into the bike area, fiddled around for a bit, before coming out, carrying my bike!

Cheers dude!

Now I thought this was a one off, but it has actually become a routine between me and Mr guard. Now I don’t even bother to try to find an empty spot in the bike parking lot, I simply put my bike outside the area, and let 'them' move it to some mini spot that I haven't noticed inside the area. When I come out from the gym the guard will appear and carry it out for me. The best bit? He doesn’t even seem angry, he even smiles! Take that, grumpy parking guards in Sweden! That is what I call assistance.